life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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