Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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