my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
