I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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