I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
