omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
