I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Randomize
