I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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