I only kidnapped one of them. chill
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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