I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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