Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
