you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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