he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
