fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
