I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
