Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
