I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
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