the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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