If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.