Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
drinking out of a sandbucket again
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
