I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
