Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
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New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
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I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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