I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
