Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Randomize
