Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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