Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
