omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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