Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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