So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
She even gives head with a lisp.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
