she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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