Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Randomize
