Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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