Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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