is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
