I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
