just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
