my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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