You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
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