everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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