also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
my being single is dangerous.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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