i'm lost and i look like a hooker
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
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Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
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I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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