i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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