I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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