hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
