So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
a search helicopter?!
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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