I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
