so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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