Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize
