make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
