I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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