I could have mohawked her pubes.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
