textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
Randomize
