I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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