did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
