My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
He uses pillows to masturbate.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
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