Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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