my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
