Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
im using the astroglide sample u sent me as a bookmark for the book im using to write my midterm paper. i need to get laid. bad.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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