I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
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i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
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I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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